YENIQUE

Hey, my love, it is our 20th anniversary and I cannot wait to share this momentous journey of ours with the world. I was barely 10 when I met you, I remember my cousin Seun taking me to meet you at the café, cybercafé, yea that was a thing back then. You were memorable, sweet, interesting, and ever so smart. Darling internet terror of some, lover of mine, I loved you then and I love you now. Let me begin by sharing with these kind readers beautiful memories we share. I once made a friend via yahoo! Messenger (yea that one) so many years ago, I cannot recall when exactly but he is the only “Tunde” with a good heart. We had good times, we were friends as far as friendship goes but he had the “sickle cell” disease and last I heard of him he was on dialysis, you see every time I log on to any chatroom on your space darling I keep praying he would pop up again and I can get to tell him even if I got only one chance “ I love you Tunde and you ar...

On this episode of stories that might never get published, here’s the story of the “chewing gum fish”. As you all know there’s a global pandemic in the name of “COVID-19”, deadly deadly disease that’s been eating up humans and the very core of our existence, literally keeping us off our streets and eating at our economy daily but that’s not where this started from. It just so happened that when this pandemic hit my country “Naija” it kind of crept in and suddenly we were getting advised to stock up our pantries, well me I like fish, meat and so and so. I obviously knew I was going to stock up on these items so I was thinking of how to preserve my precious food items for as long as a month(I don’t know how long this would be for, in fact we have no official memo yet) this led me to remembering the case of the “chewing gum fish”. When I was a kid there was a time that we couldn’t afford our rent anymore (sad thing) and we were tossed out of our home. I mean tossed, as in tosse...

Yay! So it’s a new year and as typical Nigerians our sentiment levels have skyrocketed. Suddenly everyone’s optimistic for the New year and we all seem to have goals only 2020 can inspire us to work on. First, I hate sentiments and I hate fake mirth…so this period is not exciting for me based on secular reasoning. I am genuinely grateful that I am alive this morning to type, to feel, to want, to have a clear head(a great blessing in my case) but I have no sentimental desires for the New Year, mainly due to the fact that years prior I have acted as the typical Nigerian and set resolutions, desires, plans, weight loss goals, to-do lists and what not and at each I have failed. Woefully. So I decided that it takes more than a date change to inspire a sister. I am a very practical soul and I only believe things proven by science or experience (my experience). So I am going to be sharing some tips on how to better ourselves this year based on my findings from a self-survey in 2...

I swear I know minding your business can be hard, we are curious creatures and we always want to know…information is sweet abiii? The problem I have with nosiness is the assumption and “ajasa” part, I mean it’s fine to be curious but if your information is incomplete don’t fill the empty spaces with made up lies and then spread that nonsense around. Ok so let me tell you a short story…   I just moved from my former apartment and I have stayed in the previous apartment for three years. So I am very single, have been for a while I also stay alone, so my nosy-ass landlady, her kids and battalion grandkids have the most outrageous stories about my life. I am hardly home so I think that gives them the basis to build story upon story about my life. Sometimes she calls me and says stuff like “aunty Funke e maa n fi okunrin shako”(Funke you don’t give men the chance) or “mo la la pe e se oyun, e de ku”(I dreamt you aborted and died) or “boda to gbe motto wa yi oniro niii, e g...

I must be afraid of the dark, I am not but maybe that’s just because I have not been diagnosed by an expert yet. Those psychiatric doctors with long faces and white hairs that reek of experience in knowing our innermost thoughts, I long to sit in front of one. For the fun of it and also so they can put a diagnosis to this thing I have. First I am not insane, it’s nothing intense like that but I am not sane as well. The saying “there’s only a thin line between sanity and insanity” is a ruse, you can easily skip between the two sides and find there’s no divide. Normal, not normal, normal, not normal and on we go. It’s not actually the boxes that matter because everyone has their perception of what’s considered normal and what’s not. For example my mother finds it ludicrous that I called her recently   in a very high pitched voice declaring “my feet looks like grandmas’”, she doesn’t see the humor in that, in fact she is horrified her “almost 29years old daughter’s feet are ...

Yesterday was a public holiday and a perfect opportunity to step out and feel the Lagos breeze. I had a plan though, a visit to the Museum. I once visited as a kid, my parents thought it nice to intimate us with our heritage and culture, now I want to tell them another round of thank “yous” as it turns out they took me to The National Museum Onikan Lagos and I only visited its shadow yesterday. First the Museum was looking quite dull from the outside and then we paid an entrance fee of 300naira which is fair for what I thought I was going to see. I have been working on a series of short stories about the Yoruba creation myth and about our gods so I thought I would find some sort of inspiration from seeing relics of my culture…how wrong I was. The air was humid, either the Air conditioners were not working or they weren’t turned on and the fans were just too few to help with that stuffy air. The “Ifa”/Yoruba relics were there but obviously from recen...

Your body gives you what you give it. I saw a movie yesterday about drug abuse and it's indirect impact on society. I kept saying "can't they see? Don't these people know it's dangerous?" It took me a while to realise I must be an hypocrite, I drink not excessively but I do and I cannot deny it's detrimental. I have had migraine, days of being in a haze and insomnia due to my alcohol consumption yet here I am condemning drugs. The last migraine episode I promised never to drink again (lord help me) and it took me so long to get here. Coming across this picture on @ugojesse page I understood the phrase "what's your poison?" Alcohol, drugs, cigarettes and other addictive substances are dangerous, we need to understand this. Steering clear off it's path is the only way out. Thanks for the wake up call Ugo.