Mind Your Damn Business!!!

I swear I know minding your business can be hard, we are curious creatures and we always want to know…information is sweet abiii? The problem I have with nosiness is the assumption and “ajasa” part, I mean it’s fine to be curious but if your information is incomplete don’t fill the empty spaces with made up lies and then spread that nonsense around. Ok so let me tell you a short story…

 

I just moved from my former apartment and I have stayed in the previous apartment for three years. So I am very single, have been for a while I also stay alone, so my nosy-ass landlady, her kids and battalion grandkids have the most outrageous stories about my life. I am hardly home so I think that gives them the basis to build story upon story about my life. Sometimes she calls me and says stuff like “aunty Funke e maa n fi okunrin shako”(Funke you don’t give men the chance) or “mo la la pe e se oyun, e de ku”(I dreamt you aborted and died) or “boda to gbe motto wa yi oniro niii, e gbudo re ara yin sile ke bale ri oko” (the guy that drove that car here is lying to you, don’t have too much class so you can get a husband)... and other ridiculous nonsense. First my life does revolve around men, I wasn’t doing shakara for any man and I was not even fcuking at the time she was dishing out abortion advise, last last it wasn’t her business what I did with my life.

 

Now I had not even a tiny problem with her silly questions and stupid suggestions I always felt that’s her issue and it doesn’t affect anything. So here comes 2019 and I was going to leave her house around May to another apartment where I would be staying alone again but this woman’s mind just couldn’t wrap itself around that idea. So when I went to her and said “grandma mo fe park” (I am moving) she beamed like the sun in children cartoons and was like “e ku orire ooo” (congratulations). My people I was lost like wait did I miss the memo? Is there something I am celebrating? Is it my birthday? Lo and behold I am pregnant and I don’t even know…according to my landlady and I am moving because me and my boyfriend have decided to stay together which would erstwhile be “ori re oooo”. Till now I am still in shock as to what I did to deserve being called pregnant.

The so-called boyfriend is my ex who comes to say hi occasionally and was going to help me move. As a confirm fake actress that I am as soon as she said “mo ri na bobo yen ti n pada wa sibi fun igba die, ara e o ya ni last week, o tun ko si buu buu” (the guy has been coming back recently, you were ill and you’ve been wearing long flowing dresses) me sef follow smile. I can’t carry last let everybody be excited together after all I am pregnant.

 

It was all fun and games until I discovered people smiling sheepishly at me on the street and saying “e ro ra o” and anytime I forgot my act for the remaining weekends I spent in the house and wore tight fitting clothes I was simply advised by “pregnant people before me” that it was the wrong thing to do. The level of commitment these people had to this crazy theory of theirs was ridiculous and not for once was I asked “are you pregnant?” or even “who is that guy?” They just decided in their myopic minds it was an easier thing to assume and believe their made-up nonsense. So I moved in peace and I am still pregnant in their minds and they even went as far as inviting themselves to my baby’s naming ceremony in about 6 to 7 months from now because according to them “o se l’oyun ni”. I am sure if by mistake one of them sees me in some months with a flat tummy(hitting the gym to ensure that) and no baby they would think something died but “na their brain die”. Another down side thing is if “dem see the poor bobo with hin babe make dem noh help me beat am”.

 

For the first time in my life I can see why they say people should mind their damn business.