Self Seeking

Imagine being handed a gift box, wrapped in layers of gift wrapping but you can tell it’s a box. Box of what you wonder, you know it’s a box but you need to unwrap these layers to find out what it conceals. Unwrap, tear apart, open and inside all those layers you find just what you imagined or something totally different. My introspection journey looks this exact way. Every emotion for me is like a gift box and I have to sit and look inwards to unwrap, tear apart to figure out what it is that led to that emotion, thought or action. A blessing.

I read a tweet today and someone was talking about liking to “disappear” figuratively referring to leaving people, situations, unattended to for a period and possibly come to it/them later. A cool thing to do but I hate to believe anyone just likes to “disappear”, there are thought processes both conscious and subconscious that contribute to the flight reaction. Now don’t get me wrong I am not here advocating against “ghosting” on people, I am just sharing my thoughts on introspection being a key agent in fixing our flawed reaction to situations and leading to healthier choices.

Being a recluse myself trust me I can relate to wanting to take a break from people without any obvious reasons but as I got into my self-searching journey I started to know and understand my seemingly “unprovoked” responses better. Am I afraid? Do I think I have shared too much? Am I enough? Do they think I deserve this? These are several of my subconscious thoughts and beliefs just before I give up on that friendship, that book club meeting, that writers forum competition, that relationship.

I found it was easer to just “React” than “Seek”, you do or say something you shouldn’t I lockup, your energy doesn’t match mine I lockup, I see the line up of other contestants I lockup and on it went. I just wanted to stay in my own lane and “not find wahala” but as safe as it sounds it is not fun. The pleasures of “React” are immediate but the benefits of “Seek” are more lasting. Now I ask myself questions like “why do you think you can’t?”, “why should you stop?”, “does it remind you of something?”, “what’s the worst that can happen?” and my personal favourite “Are you still hurting?”. The answer to this last question is usually yes and for a lot of us it is the same. We are still hurting so our minds have learnt to profile the “red flags” and immediately shut down on sight. However, as we all should know profiling is mostly correct but when it is not it’s deadly that why I recommend “Seek” both inwards and outwards. Sometimes it’s not exactly the terms and conditions of that deal that’s off it’s because you had a bad experience with a similar looking deal. It’s not the chemistry between you and potential bae that’s off, seek and you can discover that something and flimsy as “he’s also Urhobo” that’s giving you bad vibes. If you seek, search, question those thoughts and emotions you can get clarity, and this is like the gift in the box. Surprisingly refreshing.

Let me also say that as you are searching inwards please do so outwards, express yourself, seek, ask questions and for once please try to believe the answers you get. Yes, the world is cruel, but you have to live in it, why can’t you find the easiest way to do so? I tell people not to go into the world expecting or not expecting hurt, just go, keep moving. You would get hurt, you would heal, you would hurt people, you can make it right just keep moving. So I say to you live as best as you can, keep it moving!!!